I’ve started therapy…. Sort of. It’s an online service where you type messages and your therapist pops in twice a day to answer. It is paid for. I got to the point where I felt totally overwhelmed so I’m hoping it will help. I’ve had to be clear that I’m not seeking any form of ‘treatment’ at the moment but that I just need a space to bring things to and to be led therapeutically by that. I know I need long term therapy, and I know that some of that therapy will involve ‘treatment’ and a lot of hard work, particularly after I finally realised at the end of last year that I have been showing signs of PTSD for a long time, and that many things I’ve experienced WERE traumatic. I’ve scooter around things so much before… For some reason it mattered to me that I could say that a person or institution had been abusive, but not that I had been abused. I could say something felt traumatic, but not that it was trauma.
I’m not well enough for full on therapy right now though. One day I believe it might help me psychologically but also have knock on affects on my physical health. It’s early days though. I’ve only just had my first opportunity to let rip.. So we’ll see. Will also have to see if my bank balance can handle it as I have been struggling managing my finances recently. For a bit of perspective I can’t do in person appointments, Skype, phone and even IM would be too much for me.
In other news I’m sadly down a few PAs. Things didn’t work out with one live in PA, and so I had to end things. I also thought I had my part time rota sorted out but then my main part time PA pulled out to concentrate on studying. Oh dear is all I can say. Honestly I am quite concerned about the impact having so much to do will have on my health. I also currently have a virus and could really do with some time to just rest, but I’m behind with some things I need to do legally so I just can’t. That said I am very concerned about the way my health and functioning are going downhill on a weekly basis. I honestly don’t know how I will get through this.