People try to remind me I’m trying really hard and a big part of me wants to believe it. A part of me even feels a sense of pride when people say ‘well done’. I know logically that I am doing a lot of things to try and improve my situation – from spending the last year working hard to get a pa system set up that works well, to my attempts to initiate Dr myhill’s protocol, to my attempts to manage my energy. I am trying, that much is true.
What I struggle with is that there are a few basic things I find really hard. These are things that are considered really basic things to help you manage and heal with M.E.. Those things are rest, sleep and pacing. I think my possible autism is a big factor in my trouble resting/pacing (though that’s a blog in itself), and I covered a bit about it in my blog about sleep issues.
I have tried many supplements and dietary changes. These are certainly not simple. Whether it be side effects, the emotional impact of switching from veganism to meat eating, or the long winded research and considerations that go in to trialling something new; this is not an easy path to follow. Whilst I do commend myself for that (and writing it out this way also helps me realise how much of a big deal it is), there is a part of myself that is determined to tell me over and over that I’m just avoiding the hard work. All I’m doing is pill popping. I’m not even cooking the meals myself, so what are a few dietary changes anyway!? This part of my brain reminds me that energy management is the pinnacle of management for this illness no matter what other treatments you do. My brain reminds me of the pages on my Dr’s website that state that nothing else will work unless the basics are put in place. I end up feeling like a failure and like nothing else I do matters (though that’s not how that information was intended at all I’m sure).
So I need to learn ways of being kind to my mind and taking care of myself… When I can’t take care of myself. Of being gentle with myself when I cannot do the things that are most healing, and to try and give myself recognition that I an genuinely struggling with those things and not just taking the ‘easy route’.
Something isn’t working. I desperately want to be able to rest better, to sleep better, and to manage my energy better – but how? I’m thinking perhaps I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself about it, stop shaming myself, and stop discounting everything else I do for my health simply because I am struggling with some of the rudimentary skills. How can I learn to do these things whilst also respecting how hard it is?
Any advice is welcome.